Green Wing Fic: Questioning Is Not The Mode Of Conversation Among Gentlemen
Title: Questioning Is Not The Mode Of Conversation Among Gentlemen
Author: lookatmoiye7
Rating: PG-13 (swearing)
Characters: Caroline, Mac, Guy
Author's Note: In celebration of my mother! Watching Green Wing! And liking it! *proud*
Summary: "No, see, I don't think you're quite understanding the gravity of the situation. This isn't just any question, this is life or death. Millions of lives hang in the balance, all dependent upon your answer, so I'll say it again—if I ask you a question, will you answer it?"

~

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You'd better get it in while Guy's not here, I think he took another call from a friend with a penis problem. Promise me if you ever have one of those, you won't tell him about it."

"No, see, I don't think you're quite understanding the gravity of the situation. This isn't just any question, this is life or death. Millions of lives hang in the balance, all dependent upon your answer, so I'll say it again—if I ask you a question, will you answer it?"

"Alright, go on, then."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Okay. If you could kill, that is completely eradicate their existence, only one person in the history of the world, who would it be?"

"Walt Disney."

"Not only what that answer disturbingly swift, but you've also just effectively killed six million Jews, and Guy is still strutting around this hospital, staring at your arse. What possible reasoning do you have for killing off the bringer of joy to billions of children worldwide?"

"Fantasia. And Fantasia 2000, and anything even vaguely Fantasia-related. I can handle genocide, and I can definitely handle Guy, but I haven't even been able to look at a mop in years because of that film."

"Right, you're not really endearing me to your answer..."

"Plus, Mickey Mouse gives me the creeps. I have my suspicions about him."

"Really?"

"I'm actually pretty sure he's a paedophile."

"A paedophilic cartoon mouse?"

"Exactly. Scary thought, isn't it?"

"Well, now that I actually take the time to consider it, yeah, it is actually a bit scary. Okay, then, dare I ask your feelings on Ariel?"

"Selfish slut-bitch."

"Why?"

"Just because she's found the love of her life, she sacrifices the entire sea kingdom to the sea-witch, leaving behind her family, friends and a career as a mermaid popstar."

"Right, so you're saying, if you were in her shoes—or rather, her tail—you wouldn't do any of that. You'd give up the one you love in return for a possible chart position on the SeaLife Top 50 Countdown, and years and years and heartbreak and bitterness."

"Well. At least I wouldn't have to mop anything."

"True."

~

"Caroline!"

"Guy."

"I have a question for you."

"Oh, not another one. Okay, Walt Disney."

"What?"

"That's not the answer? What's the question, then?"

"Me, Martin, Doctor Statham—Fuck, Marry or Cliff, your time starts now."

"Statham, Martin, you."

"Fuck off, do it seriously."

"I am doing it seriously! Presented with those options, that's what I'd choose."

"You'd honestly choose to shag Statham?"

"If I had to."

"And marry Martin?"

"As long as we could divorce, I don't see the problem."

"Right, well, yeah, okay. Fine then, the feeling's mutual."

"Which feeling?"

"If you were paired with any two other people in this hospital, including the men, I'd still Cliff you."

"Well, that's a relief."

"What? Why?"

"The last things—on Earth, probably—that I would ever, ever want to do, are to either marry, or have sex with, you. So, I'm just saying, it's good that you feel the same way, and that there won't ever be any awkwardness or sexual tension between us. Don't you think? Guy?"

"What the fuck is that attached your locker?"

"It's… Oh my God, it's a mop."

"Why does it have Mac's face on it?"

"I think… he's offering to be my mop. Either that or clean my house."

"Don't you have a servant?"

"You mean a cleaner."

"Whatever."

"No."

"…I could be your loofah."

"No."

"Towel?"

"Guy."

"Whatever. I'd rather dry Boyce off than you any day, anyway."

"Good."

~